Any Given Sunday (or, "Dear God")

Nate!

Nate, where are your shoes?  C'mon, buddy - we're gonna be late.  You don't want to walk in late, do you?  Everybody'll be looking at us.

Nate!  Nathan!  Nathanael!  Hey, are you listening?  We've gotta turn Elmo off now.  It's time to go to church, buddy.  Look, you can watch the rest of the show as soon as we get back, okay?

Geez.  Honey, have you seen his other shoe?  Yeah, I already looked under the sofa.  No, it's not there either . . . If you can get his snack and books together, I'll look for the shoe.

Hang on.  Okay, I found it.  Nate, how did your shoe end up halfway down the cellar steps?

Is his jacket on?  Right, you go first.  I'll lock the door.

Hey, Nate . . . little guy!  Nate, please just settle down!  I said we'd watch Elmo when we get back.  Stand up, please.  Nate.  Please stand up.  Nate!

Stand.  UP.

Get his other arm, honey.

Nate, the neighbors are going to think we're torturing you.  Just sit still while Mommy puts you in your car seat.  Here, give me one of his books.  Look!  Nate!  Look!  What animal is this?  Is it a duck?  Look!  What does the duck say?

Nate, what does the duck say?

Nate, please sit still.

Quack!  Right?  The duck says quack!  The horse says . . . Is he in?  Good, let's go.

...

Here, I'll drop you two off at the curb by the main doors.  Take him in and sit somewhere near an exit.  I'll go park the car

Nate, be good for Mommy.  I'll be right in.

...

Sorry, the lot was packed.  How's he doing?  Nate - look, here comes Father!  Here comes the priest.  What's he carrying?  A big book.  Book!  And the altar boys are carrying . . . what?  What are they carrying?  Big candles, that's what they are.  BIG candles.  Big.  Right.

Nate, stop that please.  C'mon.  Hey Nate, look!  Everybody's singing.  Want to sing with Mommy and Daddy, Nate?  

"For the beauty of the earth / For the beauty of the skies / For the love which from our birth . . ."

Nate, don't you want to sing with Mommy and Daddy?  No.  Nate . . . Nate, we're not going to sing the Cookie Monster song.  No.  We're not singing "C is for Cookie" right now.  No.

Hey, no climbing over the back of the pew.  Nate, settle down - you're gonna hurt yourself. Look, Nate, look!  Who's that over there?  On the wall.  Who's that?  That's Jesus!  Nate, I said get down from there!

Okay, let's sit down quietly.  Where are his books?  Nate, look!  It's The Very Hungry Caterpillar!  No?  What about Barnyard Dance?

Nate, put the hymnal down.  Nate, put it down.  Nate!  Oh, man.  Yeah, he ripped it.  What are these things printed on?   Tissue paper?  Here, put it out of his reach.  You want to hold him for a while?  I'll get his sippy cup.

Uh, oh.  Where's the sippy cup?  No, I just put it on the kitchen counter.  I didn't put it in his bag.  Crap!  Oh, wait.  Here it is.  It was under the books.  Whew.  Here you go, Nate.

That milk better last through the homily.  C'mon, Father, wrap it up.  Wrap it up.  Let's go.  He's almost finished with that milk.  Geez, he's really going long today.  They need to teach these guys the art of the 10-minute sermon.  They could hold competitions for the seminarians: who can deliver the best sermon in five minutes flat?  It could be like a religious sporting event.  Man, we gotta get some bigger sippy cups.

Finished with your milk, Nate?  How about some Cheerios?  Cheerios?  No . . . no!  Don't grab the container, I'll hold it - Nate, no!  Crap.  We're gonna have to clean that up before we leave.

Honey, it's almost time for communion.  I'm not gonna receive . . . I'll just take him back into the vestibule.  No, it's okay.  I don't mind.  He needs to let off some steam.  If he settles down enough, we'll come back in after communion.  C'mon, Nate.  Take Daddy's hand.

Nate, hold on to Daddy's hand.  Nate.  Nathanael!  Buddy, stand up!  Don't lay down in the middle of the aisle, Nate!  Does Daddy really have to carry you?  You're a big boy now, you can walk.  Oh, fine - I'll carry you.

It's okay, you can walk around back here, but you have to be quiet.  Nate, can you be quiet for Daddy?  Let's play the quiet game, Nate.  Shhhhh!  Do you want to look at the pretty pictures in the window?

Who's that?  That's St. Joseph!  No, not Elmo.  That's St. Joseph.  He was Jesus's daddy.  And what's he holding?  A hammer!  Hammer.  Daddy has a hammer, too.  And who's that standing next to him?

Nate!  Nathanael!  You DO NOT push people out of the way so you can see better!  That's very rude, Nate!

Sorry.  He's a little antsy today.  Sorry.  Nate, would you please say, "I'm sorry?"  Please tell the nice lady that you're sorry.  Say, "I'm sorry!"  Nate!  Yeah, we're still working on "sorry" with him.  Sorry.  C'mon, Nate, over here.

There goes the closing hymn.  Okay, let's stand here to the side and wait for Mommy.  Please just wait here with Daddy, Nate.  Nate!  Nathanael!  You're going to get trampled there.  Come over here!

Hang on, we're going soon.  Look, here comes Mommy.  Did you bring his jacket?  Good.

Look, let's just put it on him outside  We're blocking everybody.

C'mon, Nate.  Time to go. 

Nathanael, put that down and let's go.

Nathanael, please listen.  Please.

Want to go watch Elmo?